The gender roles in most societies have a strong impact on sexual attitudes and behavior. For example, in America it is still widely thought that males are innately more interested in sex than females, that males characteristically assume an active role in sex while females are characteristically passive, and that male sexual arousal occurs quickly and automatically, while females require sweet talk and special handling and even then have only a precarious degree of arousability. Each of these stereotypes has some behavioral consequences: in general, men try to measure up to the cultural expectations and women often accept the notion of being second-class citizens from a sexual viewpoint.

By looking at a culture that has a very different set of expectations about sexual interaction, we can see how limiting these stereotypes are. In Mangaia, a tiny Polynesian island in the South Pacific, the cultural message is that sexual pleasure is for everyone. As a result: “Less than one out of a hundred girls, and even fewer boys — if, indeed, there are any exceptions in either sex — have not had substantial sexual experience prior to marriage” Female sexual passivity is frowned on among Mangaians, and sexual intimacy does not require prior establishment of personal affection. Girls are expected to learn to be orgasmic at a young age, and although their first sexual experiences are likely to be with boys of their own age, older and more experienced partners soon become desirable because they can give more sexual pleasure. One particularly interesting observation: “upon hearing that some American and European women cannot or do not achieve the climax, the Mangaian immediately asks (with real concern) whether this inability will not injure the married woman’s health.” On Mangaia, all women learn to be orgasmic.

We have previously mentioned the double standard that applies to sexual behavior in our society. According to the traditional double standard, males are permitted to have premarital sexual experience while females are expected to remain virgins. After marriage, while fidelity is “officially” expected, it is acknowledged that men might roam and women are expected to remain faithful. In recent years, the double standard has undergone some subtle changes. Many teenagers have discarded the belief that female virginity is necessary or desirable, but it now seems that a young woman must wait for a “serious relationship” to have intercourse, while young men are not so strongly saddled with this expectation.

The double standard also assigns responsibility for being the sexual “expert” to the male. The male is expected to initiate sexual interaction, to control the timing and tempo, to select the proper activities to bring about his partner’s arousal, and to bring his partner to orgasm. While this version of the double standard (the idea that sex is something a man does “for” a woman) may be an improvement on the older belief that “good” women had no sexual feelings (in this view, sex was something a man did “to” a woman for his own release), it hardly encourages flexibility and sharing.

The double standard and its variations can create a number of sexual problems. The female, for example, may develop a narrow view of sexual interaction. Feeling that she must prevent the male from “trying to get all he can,” her potential pleasure is decreased by her need to set limits. The male, on the other hand, may feel compelled to prove his masculinity by making sexual advances even when he is not particularly in the mood or attracted to his companion.

It now appears that the sexual double standard, like many other gender-role stereotypes, is beginning to be replaced by concepts of equal opportunity and mutual interaction. What a great many men and women are learning is that they cannot achieve the pleasure they both want until they realize that sex is not something a man does to or for a woman but something a man and woman do together as equal participants.

The woman who honors her sexuality learns that she can,

when she chooses, express openly the full range of her excitement and involvement — the delight of wanting and being

wanted, touching and being touched, seeing and being seen, hearing words and uttering them, of fragrances and textures, silence and sounds. The man who appreciates her as a partner can enjoy letting go of responsibility for her satisfaction and can savor her varying moods and desires in conjunction with his own.

The responsiveness of both partners is based on acceptance of each other as vulnerable human beings with unique needs, expectations, and capabilities. Both can express their creative impulses without fear of violating the gender-role expectations of ladyhood or chivalry. Emotional needs, which vary with the mood, time, and place, are not labeled “masculine” and “feminine.” Each partner can appreciate the other’s sexual urges. If their sexual needs conflict at times, they can gently negotiate a solution — not as representatives of two different sexes but as two separate partners united by a mutual concern.

Sexual emancipation grows out of a sense of self-respect and personal freedom. If you are nothing to yourself, you have nothing to give and expect nothing in return. Sexually perhaps you might consider yourself useful, as an object is useful, but that is all. Before a true partnership is possible, both individuals must have pride in themselves and feel happy in being male or female.

At least half the potential pleasure of the sexual experience comes from how a partner responds. If there is virtually no reaction, or at best passive acceptance, the emotional current steadily weakens and eventually flickers and goes dead. However, with an actively involved partner, one individual’s spontaneous feelings, spontaneously communicated, stimulate the other and heighten his or her tensions, impelling that person to act on his or her own impulses. Whatever she gives him returns to her and whatever he gives her comes back to him.

The relationship between the sexes is often conceived in terms of a misleading image: two on a seesaw. Power is the pivot, and if one sex goes up, the other must come down. What women gain, men lose. But the sexual relationship itself shows the analogy to be false. What men and women achieve together benefits both — the quality of life, as it is individually experienced, can be greatly expanded by a fully shared partnership.

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