OUR SEXUALITY: BIRTH TO TWO YEARS OLD. THREE TO FIVE YEARS OLD
Birth to Two Years Old
Children learn about sexuality from the day they are born. By constantly observing the people who care for them—what they do and how they act—infants pick up lots of information about themselves. Babies feel secure or insecure by:
• the way they are held and touched
• the way they are fed, washed, and diapered
• the tone of voice of those around them
• being allowed to feel comfortable with their bodies and emotions
Children can develop healthier feelings about themselves and their sexuality if all these things are done in a pleasant, loving, and caring way.
It is normal for babies to explore their bodies. They are quick to learn that touching their sex organs feels good. They should be allowed to enjoy this. If parents yell at them or slap their hands, they may do it, anyway—but they’ll feel guilty about it. Such disapproval sends a strong message that children should be ashamed of their bodies and sexuality. It may also prevent kids from turning to their parents later in life when they’re looking for guidance about sex.
Three to Five Years Old
By the time they are three, kids are ready to know that women and men have different sex organs. They may have already wondered about it for a while. It is most helpful if parents talk about genitals in the same way they talk about elbows and noses, fingers and toes. Using the right names for sex organs, saying “vulva,” “penis,” and “breasts,” instead of family or street words is very helpful. If the genitals are never mentioned by adults, or are identified only by slang terms, kids may get the idea that something is “wrong” with these parts of the body. Their discomfort may lead them to become confused when health care providers discuss these body parts and functions with them.
Toddlers are curious about the bodies of their parents and other children. Nudity within the family is a matter for each family to decide, depending on each family member’s level of comfort. Children may “play doctor” to look at each other’s sex organs. This is a normal way for kids to find out differences and learn about their sexuality. Parents can choose to allow it or not. But punishing children for such self-discovery will do nothing to foster their comfort and understanding of sexuality.
Three-year-olds may also begin asking, “Where do babies come from?” Parents don’t need to describe sexual intercourse at this point. Answers should be simple. Parents might say something like, “Babies grow in a special place inside the mother.” As the years pass, other details can slowly be added as the child becomes able to understand them.
It is normal for four-year-olds to become very attached to a parent—even an absent parent. Kids may even be jealous of the other parent or partner. They can become attached to parents or caregivers of both genders. None of these attachments has anything to do with whether a child is gay or straight. Parents should let their kids be comfortable with whatever attachments they form. It’s also best not to tease children about having “girlfriends” and “boyfriends.”
Four-year-olds may want to snuggle in bed with parents or caregivers. They may also want to see them without clothes on. Parents can set limits that make all family members comfortable. But it may be harmful if children are punished for having such a healthy curiosity and desire for intimacy.
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